Losing the Craneheart Award

My minions,

This past Friday evening I was awarded the Craneheart Peerless Award for courage by The Navy. It was a great honor, a thrill, really.

The kind people at the church recorded the event and have sent me the acceptance speech transcript. I thought you might like to read it.


RETIRED REAR ADMIRAL RICHARD BUTLER ACCEPTANCE SPEECH

[Craig Scuntz addressing the attendees]

Mr. Scuntz
Hello and good evening fellow seaman. We are gathered here this evening to honor a great man, a great Navyman, the Retired Rear Admiral Dick Butler. Please join me in welcoming him to the dais, here he is. Here he is. He's coming now. Here he is. Rear Admiral Dick Butler.

[Mr. Scuntz begins weeping]

[Mr. Scuntz still weeping]

[Mr. Butler hobbles onto the dais]

[Mr. Butler to Mr. Scuntz]

Mr. Butler
Get a hold of yourself you ninny. Stop crying. Stop crying you sap. I'm here to talk, you're ruining it. Get off. You're a queer. You are why we have a bad reputation.

[Mr. Scuntz attempts to embrace Mr. Butler]

Mr. Butler
Away. Off of me.

[Mr. Butler hits Mr. Scuntz in the knee with his cane]

[Mr. Scuntz exits stage left]

[Mr. Butler into the microphone]

Mr. Butler
Am I on? Is this thing working?

[to Mr. Butler]

Transcriber
Yes. It's on. Go ahead.

[Mr. Bulter begins his speech]

Mr. Butler
The Sea has been good to me: As a child I never knew the Sea, then it was all I knew, and now, as an old man, it is all I can remember.

[A young man heckles Mr. Butler (unintelligible)]

Mr. Butler
Be quiet. You. Deck boy. Shut your yap.

Young Man
I’m your son you cunt.

Mr. Butler
Pardon?

Young Man
You raped my mother in Puerto Rico.

[Large Navalman escorts the shouting young man out of the audience]

Mr. Butler
Good grief. That’s not possible.

Ah. Ah. Yes. So it is a great honor to be here this evening…

[Mr. Butler begins staggering]

[Mr. Butler begins to moan]

Mr. Butler
Ohh. Hornish. Hoooooooorniaash. Ohhh.

[Mr. Butler removes his boots]

[Mr. Butler removes his pants]

[Mr. Scuntz approaches Mr. Butler]

[Mr. Butler begins urinating on Mr. Suntz]

[Mr. Scuntz shrieks]

Mr. Scuntz
Ahh. Oh my God. Heathen. He’s godless. Arrest him. Take him away. The award is revoked.

Mr. Butler
Good, you ninny. You’re why the Navy is the laughing stock of the armed services today. I would cut your throat if I weren’t drunk.

[Mr. Butler is taken into custody by a Naval Policeman]

I love you.