The Season of the Great Pestilence

The way I see it, there are relatively few things that Myrtle Beach (home to my retirement community condominium village) or the entire state of South Carolina, for that matter, has to offer. There are a few beaches, there is a large coastal swath (which every Admiral admires) but otherwise, the state is a wasteland for hillbillies and vapid vacationers.

Of course, every generalization has its exception. And I do believe that I have discovered the one diamond in the rough stream of transient carnies who visit our blasted town: The Women's Professional Volleyball Tour

Oh, the bronzed salt cured gams that I witnessed this past weekend when the athletes strolled into town.

Mind you, I have not seen someone playing volleyball since Captain Hornish made it onto one of the minor league professional teams in Papua New Guinea during the summer of '48. Eventually, he was removed from the league for making a deal to throw matches with a local child slave labor trafficker, but that is another story, to be told on another occasion.

On Saturday morning I retrieved 60 cash dollars from my sock drawer bank, put on a clean pair of sweatshorts, and decided to walk down to the beach to see if I couldn't get close enough to gaze the women who were there to play.

Much to my surprise, the tickets were discounted for people 55 and older. Moreover, after I flashed them my Retired Rear Admiral ID card, they asked if I would like to serve the inaugural first serve to the reigning women's beach volleyball champion Gabrielle Adams. Without hesitation, I obliged.

First, before the inaugural serve ceremony, there was a photo opportunity with the players and me, since I was chosen to serve the inaugural first serve. Let me make one thing abundantly clear, here, before I go any further. I have not achieved an erection since 1987. I might have achieved one in my sleep at one point or another but I have no documentation to suggest as much.

I will assume that you are capable of piecing together the rest of this story: I sat down in the chair in front of the photographer from the Myrtle Turtle Beach Comber;one Ms. Gabrielle Adams sat on the old Retired Rear Admiral's lap; that old Retired Rear Admiral came to life beneath her; she screamed; I celebrated; the Retired Rear Admiral was relieved of his inaugural first serve duties post haste. I love you.